The reality of the hustle

Today I feel lonely.

Struck by the pain of this oh-so isolated life.

Now let's be clear. No need to whip out the kleenex and start to pity me. This is not the soap opera blog.

Let me explain.

It's not that I don't have wonderful friends and family. Because I do. A handful of people who get me, and love me, and make the non-working/non-auditioning moments bearable.

But it's days like today. Like yesterday. Where I am shaken by my lack of daily interaction...by my solitude.

Basically, as a working actress you go and play for a week as a guest star, on some show (where you make a fake family for the extent of your shoot days) and then you're back to this grind. This very lonely grind of auditioning -- where the only people you interact with are Casting Directors, and your competition. Not the most welcoming bunch.

The moments in between are solitary. Quiet, and filled with your thoughts. Your second guesses and doubts.

My boyfriend always reminds me of how weird this life of mine is. I never dispute it. It is indisputably bizarre to run around all day pretending to be different people.

My acupuncturist, knowing how much I hustle, said this to me today: "You are too stressed. Too much biting nails. Feet are always cold. Chi is off. Tell your boyfriend to get rich so you rest and have babies. You will be very good mother."

This is off on several levels:
a) I want to make it on my own, and have my own income
b) my agent would kill me. seriously.