Like the loneliest, most miserable person in the world?
Because I do sometimes.
And it's disgusting.
I wallow in it. In wondering what my purpose is, and that it must be something greater than being paid to read words.
Because that is what I do. I read words. Believably.
And so I try. Everyday I try to do and be more. Emphasis on "try."
Like the time a homeless girl asked me for my leftovers, and I happily gave them to her. Only to have my boyfriend ask me a few blocks later if I remembered what was in the box... because my leftovers were five alarm Thai spiced chicken wings, and the girl had no water, and no toilet, and I basically just set her ass on fire.
Shit.
Or the time I saw a man in front of the Wells Fargo ATM sitting on the curb, and ran to my car to grab him a zone bar and some boxed juice, only to have him turn to me appalled and say, "I'm not homeless. I'm waiting for my girlfriend."
Sorry guy.
But it's more than my interactions with the homeless (or those that I mistake to be homeless). I help my friends. I take care of my grandmother. I race to hold a door open for a mom with a stroller (even when she doesn't say thank you), and sponsored a little boy named Mphatso in Malawi, sending toys and books endlessly...only to realize the whole thing was bullshit, and that he didn't exist.
But I keep trying. Because I want to believe that we have to do good in this world. That we have to be good in this world.
And an actress friend of mine, who is as talented as she is amazing, and has a face that was literally made for HD, always says "Good guys win." Like those of us actresses that are good, and kind; those of us that pay our dues....we book. We win.
But when do we win?
Is it just the booking of parts that's a win? Or is it finding happiness in all the lulls between the jobs that's the real win?
Still working that one out....
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I think it's both. If you were just booking parts and working, but did not strive to be a good person and find happiness in the lulls between, you would not be a complete person. You may have money and work, but I think you should pride yourself on the fact that you want to do more. You want to help people (homeless or not!) That's something to be happy about. Not everyone in the world is like that.
ReplyDeleteI think it's easy to get lost in the go-go-go I want-I want-I want of life (especially life in the entertainment industry), but the fact that you want more in life shows true character. Don't get too down on yourself. I don't know you personally, but I have a feeling that you have others' best interests at heart and are doing a good job at striving to "be more" and "do more".
I really hope to "get paid to read words" sometime soon. Heck, considering my current situation, I just want an audition or two!
All the best! Have a good week! :)
People who have fame and money are the ones who need to speak for those who have neither. Find your platform, your charity, and do good. THAT is your purpose.
ReplyDeleteDear Working Actress -
ReplyDeleteI've felt like this before...sometimes I too feel sad, lonely and confused about the world I have around me. However, I think the important part of this all is to realize the positive aspects of your actions.
You gave the homeless girl your leftovers - regardless of how hot it was - you gave this girl food to eat. I spent time living in a third world country and my heart breaks when I think that a fight would have broken out in a village for any food at all. She was lucky.
As for the Mphatso in Malawi, you fell for this scam, but it's only because you believe in the greater good in people. That's not a bad way to live at all.
My belief is that good people send something out into the universe that eventually they get back. Think about how you may have changed the lives of the people you interact with. The man you offered a zone bar to but he refused because he wasn't homeless. I bet the next time he see's someone waiting on the street - he's going to think about the time you tried to help him - and hopefully will pass on this good deed.
FOCUS on yourself, your craft and your determination.
Be a good person because that is who you are.
and remember...it is not about the destination (booking and winning) but the journey that gets you there.
Actress Confessions XOXOX
Somebody told me a long time ago that if I wanted to pursue ANY type of creative career, acting or otherwise, I had to enjoy the journey. So it's less "when do I arrive, when do I win" and more a feeling of, "Every day I am where I am supposed to be, every day I win." Those things with the homeless people are not your fault - people who have big hearts put themselves (and their hearts) out there on the line and sometimes it ends awkwardly. But it doesn't mean you should numb yourself or your intentions or hide away from the world and stop trying to make it a better place.
ReplyDeleteYou sound like such a good person, WA. Don't let the doubt kill you.